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Death Bed Questions

A gentle guide

How to use the cards

A simple guide to using your cards: how to set the space, what to do during the conversation, and words to open and close your time together.

Death Bed Questions are not about rushing or finding the perfect answers. They are about being present, honest, and willing to listen.

Getting started

Five simple steps.

Death Bed Questions decks laid out on a table beside candles and dried flowers

I

Set the space

Choose a moment that feels calm, safe and unhurried.

Find somewhere quiet and put your phones away. A candle or some music can help, but all you really need is a little time and each other.

Hands holding a Death Bed Questions card beside candles and flowers

II

Choose a card

Use the deck alone, together or in a group. Choose intuitively, take turns or move through the cards in order. There’s no right way.

You might:

  • Choose one card intuitively
  • Select a deck that matches the feeling of the moment
  • Take turns choosing cards for each other
  • Allow the person answering to choose
  • Shuffle the cards and see what comes up
An older woman reading a card to a younger woman by a window

III

Make it your own

Welcome reflection, emotion and silence. Listen without interrupting, judging or trying to fix. Passing is always okay.

If a question doesn’t quite fit your life, simply adapt the words to reflect your relationships and experiences.

Two people holding hands

IV

Respond with kindness

After an answer has been shared, you may respond with kindness.

  • “Thank you for sharing that.”
  • “I’ve never heard that before.”
  • “That helps me understand you more.”
Two question cards on an open handwritten journal beside a cup of tea

V

Close with care

Take a breath together, sit quietly or write down what you’d like to remember.

End with something soft and grounding: a hug, a shared breath, a final thank you, or a moment of silence.

Ways to use the deck

However you gather, there’s different ways to begin:

  1. One to one

    Two people, one quiet space.

    With one person at the heart of it
    The traditional way. You ask someone you love the questions you want answered while you still can. They answer, you listen, and nothing needs to be given back. You might record it or write down what they say.
    As a two-way conversation
    For partners, friends or family who simply want to know each other better. Take turns choosing a card and answering, so both of you share and both of you listen.

  2. In a group

    Family, friends or a room of people.

    Gathered around one person
    Family or friends come together around someone they love. Each person asks the question that matters most to them, and everyone hears the answers together.
    Around the table
    Everyone takes part. Pass the deck around so each person draws a card and answers in turn, and others add a memory if invited.
    In a supported setting
    In a grief group, care home or workshop, a facilitator draws a card and invites whoever wishes to answer. Nobody has to speak.

  3. On your own

    A quiet conversation with yourself.

    To reflect
    Draw a card and sit with it. Journal what came up and how it made you feel, and return to the question another day to see if your answer has changed.
    To prepare
    Use the cards to work out what you want to ask someone before you sit down together, or write your own answers as a keepsake for the people you love.

If emotions rise, let them. If silence comes, honour it.

It’s ok to pause, to breathe, to step away, to allow the tears, and to return or take a new question. This is supposed to be a sacred, kind and gentle space.

Optional

Words to open and close.

Some people like to begin and end a session with a few words.
Here are some ideas. Borrow them, change them, or simply say it your own way.

  1. To open

    Before you begin, take a moment to settle. If it helps, you might say something like:

    “Let’s take our time with this. There are no right or wrong answers, just honest ones. Say as much or as little as you like, and we can stop whenever we need to.”

    Then take a breath and draw your first card.

  2. To close

    When it feels like time to stop, you might say:

    “Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I’m really glad we did this.”

    A hug, a hand to hold or a quiet moment together is often enough.

  3. A toast

    If you’re sharing a drink, you could raise a glass:

    “To the stories that shaped us, the people who loved us, and the time we still have together.”

    Or skip the words entirely and simply enjoy the moment.